The Santa Conspiracy
How Coca-Cola Invented a Sugar-Powered Super-Propagandist
If you grew up thinking Santa Claus was a magical, benevolent, gift-delivering grandfather…
prepare yourself.
You’ve been lied to.
Not by your parents.
Not by folklore.
Not by the North Pole Industrial Complex™.
But by Coca-Cola — the biggest sugar cartel disguised as a soft drink company.
Yes… gather round.
It’s time for The Santa Conspiracy.
Before Coca-Cola: Santa Wasn’t… This
For centuries, Santa wasn’t a round, glowing, diabetic sugar-ball.
He was:
Thin
Sometimes stern
Occasionally creepy
Frequently dressed in green
And absolutely not addicted to syrup-based beverages
No obesity.
No insulin spikes.
No “bowl full of jelly” situation.
Then Coca-Cola rolled in like:
“Hey, what if we take this wholesome winter saint…
and turn him into a jolly, sugar-dependent mascot who looks like he lives off cookies and carbonated syrup?”
And humanity said:
“Sure. Why not?”
1931: The Year Coca-Cola Hijacked Christmas
Coke sales dipped every winter.
People didn’t want a cold soda while freezing their eyebrows off.
So Coca-Cola did what any ethical corporation would do:
They rebranded a historical figure into a metabolic cautionary tale.
They hired artist Haddon Sundblom and instructed him to:
Make Santa fatter
Make him rosier
Make him happier
And for branding reasons… dress him head-to-toe in Coke red
Voilà.
The modern Santa was born.
Not by the elves.
Not by folklore.
By a beverage company with a sugar agenda.
The Physical Evidence (a.k.a. Santa’s Medical Chart)
Let’s break this down like a crime scene.
The Belly:
Massive visceral fat. Highly suspect.
The Cheeks:
Red, inflamed, suspiciously hypertension-adjacent.
The Beard:
Fluffy enough to hide metabolic syndrome.
The Mood:
Suspiciously euphoric — commonly seen after sugar binges.
The Diet:
Cookies… milk… and Coca-Cola itself.
(We assume Mrs. Claus is quietly begging him to try keto.)
The Lifestyle:
Sedentary for 364 days.
Binge-working for 1.
If Santa Claus were a patient, every doctor on earth would say:
“Sir, step away from the chimney and give me your fasting insulin levels.”
The Real Conspiracy: Sugar as a Tradition
Look closely at the holiday rituals Coca-Cola helped normalize:
Leave cookies for Santa.
Drink Coke with Christmas dinner.
Fill stockings with candy.
Reward kids with sweets.
Consume enough sugar to knock a Reindeer unconscious.
It’s brilliant.
Coca-Cola took an entire season…
and turned it into a three-month sugar bender wrapped in red velvet.
And the whole world participated without question because:
“Aww, Santa likes cookies!”
No.
Santa was designed to like cookies.
Strategically.
Commercially.
Metabolically recklessly.
Why Santa Will Never Lose Weight
You ever notice Santa never gets leaner?
Never trims down?
Never swaps the red suit for something breathable?
That’s because Coca-Cola needs him fat.
If Santa ever showed up with visible abs:
Coca-Cola’s holiday campaign collapses
Stockholders panic
Mall Santas unionize
Children cry
Twitter implodes
A fit Santa is bad for sugar business.
So he stays plump.
Puffy.
Inflamed.
Glucose-dependent.
The perfect holiday mascot.
The Final Twist: Santa Isn’t Selling Toys — He’s Selling Sugar
He’s not magical.
He’s metabolically compromised.
He’s not jolly.
He’s insulin resistant.
He’s not ancient.
He’s a 20th-century marketing rep in a fur-trimmed Coke outfit.
And every December, he returns not to deliver gifts…
but to maintain brand loyalty through emotional childhood imprinting.
Santa Claus is the longest-running influencer campaign in corporate history.
We were all influenced before influencers existed.
Moral of the Story
Enjoy the holidays.
Enjoy the lights, the excitement, the nostalgia.
Just don’t forget:
Santa didn’t make Christmas sweet.
Coca-Cola did.
And if the jolliest man on Earth looks like he needs a continuous glucose monitor…
maybe it’s time we rethink what we’re putting on our holiday tables.
Ho-ho-ho…
and stay metabolically woke.
